What the Bible Says About Resolving Conflict

Conflict.

While it’s the main ingredient in a good story, it unfortunately can spoil things in real life. It might start from minor differences of opinion. But unchecked, it can turn into what feels like a full-blown war.

And often, whether we’re on one side or caught in the middle, these conflicts can happen with people we love and trust the most.

So, how do we approach these situations? What do we say?

Let’s find out what the Bible teaches on this topic, including:

• Where conflict comes from
• Biblical principles for resolving conflict

Keep in mind that conflict shows up in many different forms.

For example, Genesis records an ongoing feud between Joseph and his brothers. His brothers were so jealous that they hatched a plot to sell Joseph into slavery in Egypt, where God used this opportunity to raise Joseph to a commanding position. Not till many years later was their conflict resolved.

Even Jesus found Himself in conflict with the Pharisees when they confronted Him with accusations or questions meant to trap Him (Luke 20:20-26).

As long as sin exists, conflict will be part of the human existence. But if Jesus found ways to navigate conflict and remain in His Father’s will, that means we can, too.

There’s hope for the conflicts we face.

But before we can learn about that hope, we need some background.

Where does conflict come from?

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The very first conflict began when an angel named Lucifer chose pride over love and created division in heaven (Isaiah 14:12-14). As a result, war broke out, and Lucifer (who became Satan) and the angels that joined him were cast out (Revelation 12:7-9).

Wait. War in heaven?

That’s right. Even heaven, a perfect place, could be overshadowed by conflict. And that’s because of the power to choose. God knows that true, loving relationships require freedom. Freedom to love, but also freedom to separate from another individual and cause them hurt and pain.

Because Satan chose sin (which is selfishness at its core), conflict in heaven became possible.

That sin then entered our world when Satan persuaded Eve to eat fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 3:1-5). In eating the fruit, Adam and Eve let selfishness take precedence. The first conflict broke out when Adam blamed Eve for his choice—and indirectly blamed God who had created Eve (Genesis 3:12).

Since then, humans have been caught in this constant tug-of-war between good and evil. Our natural tendency is to seek what’s best for ourselves above what’s best for others. This inevitably creates conflict, as James 4:1 points out:

“Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (NKJV).

Yet when we allow God to work in our lives, He gives us new desires for selflessness and generosity (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Thus, though we face conflicts with one another, the root of these conflicts is actually the conflict between good and evil in each heart.

Every conflict is a call for us to search our hearts and ask, Am I allowing my selfish desires to impact this conflict in any way? Sometimes, the answer will be yes, and you may realize the need to go to God for a change in your own heart. But at other times, it may be no. The conflict may not be your fault.

Jesus and the Pharisees are an example of this. The Pharisees often tried to pick conflicts with Jesus, even though Jesus wasn’t seeking disagreements with them.

So, how do we learn to navigate these situations, whether we’ve contributed to the conflict or not?

Biblical principles for resolving conflict

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The Bible encourages us to resolve conflict and to live at peace with others, as much as we possibly can (Romans 12:18). In fact, Jesus pronounced a special blessing on peacemakers (Matthew 5:9).

Notice also the apostle Paul’s encouragement in the book of Hebrews:

“Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled” (Hebrews 12:14-15, NKJV).

This counsel makes sense because God Himself is love (1 John 4:8). When we take a look at 1 Corinthians 13, which defines love in the Bible, all the attributes point to conflict resolution—attributes like patience, kindness, seeking what’s best for others, and not behaving rudely.

As we look at the Bible’s principles, they may at times feel revolutionary to what the world teaches. Often, they’ll contradict what we “feel” like doing. And yet, with the help of Christ, we can find the courage and strength to make choices that preserve relationships, mend bonds, and uphold integrity.

Let’s see what some of those principles are.

Remember the ultimate enemy

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And it’s not the person you’re in conflict with.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us,

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (NKJV).

Reminding ourselves that there’s a bigger picture of the spiritual battle between good and evil can help put our conflicts into perspective. Each one of us is fighting the tendency toward selfishness and the temptations of the enemy.

Glorify God

Jesus is the ultimate peacemaker and our ultimate role model. As Christians, we are called to glorify Him in everything we do (1 Corinthians 10:31), and that includes the way we handle conflict.

We can glorify Him through seeking to represent His character to the individual we’re in conflict with. This might mean choosing kindness instead of gossip, or speaking the truth in love rather than withdrawing and avoiding the individual.

The remaining principles will help flesh this point out even more.

Spend time in personal reflection

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Before approaching someone about something they did, take some time to look at yourself. What part did you have in the conflict?

This principle comes straight from Jesus’ teaching in Matthew:

“And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5, NKJV).

It’s easy to pinpoint what others have done wrong, but we may not as easily see—or want to see—our own faults. They may even be the same things we’re accusing the other person of, as the apostle Paul indicates:

“Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things” (Romans 2:1, NKJV).

For example, your spouse may do something that really bothers you—you fill in the blank—but without realizing it, you do something very similar.

That’s why it’s important to spend time in prayer and personal reflection, asking God to reveal to you areas where you need growth.

Admit when you’re wrong

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If you’ve had a part to play in the conflict, one of the hardest things to do is apologize.

And yet, it may be key in bringing about resolution. Humility and a sincere apology may be what’s needed to open the heart of the other individual.

And as you apologize, you may pave the way for praying for one another and experiencing healing:

“Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16, NKJV).

If we take the first step of admitting we’re wrong, we can start a snowball effect—one of confession and reconciliation.

Pause before responding

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This can be difficult, especially when you’re upset! But it can help prevent a situation from escalating out of control.

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20, NKJV).

When we forget about this advice, we’re more likely to give anger free reign, saying things we regret or accusing someone without having all the facts (Proverbs 29:22).

So, next time you’re tempted to respond right away, pause and allow yourself to cool off. If you’re in the middle of a discussion, ask the other individual for some time to step away before coming back to the issue at hand. Then, pray for the Holy Spirit to guide you in navigating the situation.

Proverbs gives us this wise advice:

“The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil” (Proverbs 15:28, NKJV).

If at all possible, approach the other person only once you’ve had time to cool off and calmly think through the situation.

Look at it from the other person’s point of view

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Before confronting someone, think about the situation from their angle. Listen to their side and seek to understand them.

This kind of response requires the spirit mentioned in Philippians 2:3-4:

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (NKJV).

In looking out for the other person’s best interest, ask yourself: What would cause them to disagree with you? What factors might be influencing them?

Considering how the other person sees the situation can give us more empathy for them and help us to know how to move forward toward reconciliation.

Overlook the other’s wrongdoing

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King Solomon, one of the wisest men in the world, advised us,

“The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression” (Proverbs 19:11, NKJV).

Of course, it’s not always healthy to overlook wrongdoings. Persistent issues do need to be addressed, particularly if they could be harmful to someone.

However, this passage can also speak to having a clear focus when dealing with conflict. Rather than digging up all the little things someone has done wrong and heaping them into the mix, it’s wise to focus on the main issue at hand.

Avoid retaliation

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When someone treats us in a certain way, our human tendency is to respond in kind. If they ignore us, we’re likely to want to ignore them. If they talk badly about us, we want to hurt their reputation in some way, too.

Maybe someone at church overstepped their responsibilities and took over your role. Your gut response? To try to edge your way back by spreading rumors or making them look incompetent.

And yet, the Bible teaches us a different approach:

“[A]ll of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9, NKJV).

This counsel echoes Jesus’ instructions to love and bless our enemies (Luke 6:27). What a challenging call!

To be clear, this doesn’t mean we should submit to abuse or mistreatment. But it is a call to handle unfair or unjust situations with courtesy and kindness, rather than lashing out.

Consider your tone of voice

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When you’re speaking to someone you disagree with, a calm tone of voice will often go much further in resolving conflict than a loud or angry one:

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, NKJV).

As this verse emphasizes, an accusatory, confrontational tone of voice can actually escalate the situation, causing the other individual to become more defensive.

So, if your neighbor storms over to your house and accuses you of tearing out his prized azaleas, how would you respond?

It would be tempting to hotly deny the charge. But what if you instead responded calmly and explained that you didn’t harm his azaleas? You could ask him why he thinks you did it and then even offer to help him. This kind of response is much more likely to dissolve his anger.

Directly approach the individual who hurt you

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Jesus gives this advice in Matthew when dealing with conflict within the church:

“‘Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector’” (Matthew 18:15-17, NKJV).

Let’s break this down.

First, if someone has wronged you, talk to that person alone. Don’t speak about it to other people before you speak to that person—it’s breaking their privacy in the matter. Think things through, and discuss the matter with that person.

If the other person refuses to deal with the issue, then Jesus says to involve other people in the situation. With this small group of trusted people, once again approach the other person to sort things out.

If the conflict still isn’t resolved, Jesus says, a last option can be put forward. That is, bring the situation before the church. In a gentle manner, present the problem and have the church help reason with the other person.

Let go of past wrongs

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Though a conflict may be resolved, it can still be tempting at times to bring that conflict up again in the future. The Bible, though, encourages us to put the disagreement behind us:

“[Therefore], bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you must also do” (Colossians 3:13, NKJV).

By forgiving someone for a past conflict, we choose to put the issue behind us. This is a gift Jesus gives us that we have the opportunity to extend to others (Isaiah 43:25).

In some situations, of course, reconciliation may not be healthy or possible. But we can still choose to live in the freedom of forgiveness, not holding the offense against the wrongdoer any longer.

Following the example of Jesus

Scripture is all about mending relationships and maintaining healthy, dynamic, loving ones. It recognizes the challenges of this in the midst of a sinful world, but also encourages us with the example of Jesus.

He shows us that through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can have victory over our personal struggles and more effectively relate to those around us. As we turn to Him, He helps us to follow in His footsteps and reflect His character in the midst of conflict.

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